jane thompson

About a month and a half ago I told my cousin I was trying to have a baby and she was very sweet about it. Instead of saying, “Are you out of your mind?” she just smiled and nodded in a vaguely supportive way. Incredible personal restraint on her part. Anyway, a week later we were once again sitting and talking, our favorite activity to do together, and she said, “Hey, I forgot to ask, are you taking prenatal vitamins?” I said I wasn’t due to the fact I had no natal in the pre-position. She ignored that bit of nonsense and said that folic acid was super important for brain tube health and since I didn’t normally take a vitamin specifically formulated for a woman I would really need…and then she got technical and I got lost, especially since I knew I had misheard the brain tube part.

My cousin’s a nurse that teaches other nurses so she’ s sort of a super nurse. (In honor of her superness I will be calling her SuperNurse from here on out.) Anyway, SuperNurse is super because she knows a lot about being human and since she’s a nurse she wants to share as much information with you as you can take  in. Nurses, unlike doctors, can read a patient and know instantly how much information the patient can process and so will offer that exact amount of information and then wait patiently until you’ve digested it before offering you more. Doctors just matter of factly cram way too much information down your throat, scare the bejesus out of you then leave. They can’t help this behavior, they are doctors.

Anyway,  SuperNurse sensed I was no longer accepting new information and said, “Well, it’s all in your book.” (She only had a few minutes left before she had to leave so she couldn’t wait around for my non-scientific mind to process the biochemistry regarding folic acid’s beneficial effects on the development of the brain tube.)

Now,  since I write books the phrase “your book” has an extra meaning so I said,  “I never wrote about foley acid in one of my books.”

“Folic. And I meant the book about what you need to be doing before you get pregnant, you know, to get your body and your life ready for pregnancy.”

My blank look did not alter so she said, “You bought a book, right?”

I shook my head. (Remember, I haven’t been pregnant in sixteen years.) “There’s a book?”

Now, this conversation obviously took place before the last thing I posted because I have been picking and choosing my way through the book for a month now and I tell you what, that thing is great. It might even have magical powers. However, if you want to get optimal power out of it, you shouldn’t just hand it over to the male half of your equation (that is, if said male half is a regular part of your life).  You must dole it out in bits and pieces, only showing him the parts that have been set aside just for him in side bars shaded a light gray and given a slightly bolder, more squared off font so as to appear more manly.

Because of the book all I have to say is, “The book said” and my husband agrees to let me do whatever I want. I overhauled our finances because the book said we should get our financial house in order. I’ve been banishing processed foods he likes from the house because the book said no ingredients allowed in our food we can’t pronounce and he hasn’t made a whimper. I’ve now started making noises about him going on evening walks with me because the book said we should both be in the habit of taking the baby out for a walk after it gets here. He hates this kind of walking because he has to match his pace to mine or we just look weird wandering around the neighborhood with him seventeen paces ahead of me, shouting commentary regarding what he saw on the internet that day back at me. We do this in public places but it’s okay since he looks like he’s have a cell phone conversation and I look like I’m there by myself.

And here’s the reason he obeys the book: It said he should get some porn. Something about prompting his swimmers into prime fighting form. Apparently this is the way to get men to do things. A sidebar prescription for porn and a man will sign whatever form you put in front of him.

Someone somewhere once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  I have vowed not to abuse my power but it is difficult. This must be in some small way what it feels like to be rich. Or a man. Anyway, even if you aren’t interested in becoming pregnant this book bears looking into, if only to scare your partner. Who knows, he might go along with your crackpot girlie ideas just in an effort to keep you from conceiving.

Just remember the book has much power, wield it wisely.

I know that sounds gross but its a phrase I’ve been using a lot lately. You see, I’m trying to have a baby and part of trying to have a baby involves peeing on a stick to pin-point ovulation. I’ve read some other ways to figure out optimal fertility but it involves doing things that had me muttering,  “Ewww…I’d rather pee on a stick.” Little did I know how often I would be both saying and doing this. The first time I got pregnant I just had sex and then awhile later I had a baby but I was twenty-two then and now I’m thirty-seven so things are really, really different. It was so long ago its almost as if I’ve never even been pregnant.  I mean, I obviously have been pregnant. I have the unattractive pictures and the hulking fifteen year old son to prove it but still…its weird. And fun. Every morning after I get out of bed I pee on the stick then I have breakfast and then I take a prenatal vitamin and before I’ve even had my coffee I’ve already done some solid work towards having a baby and my husband hasn’t even taken his pants off.  I’m making an effort toward conception all on my own. Soon, my sisters, we won’t even need the man to take his pants off. We’ll be able to take the prenatal vitamins for three months, pee on a stick until we’re ovulating and then there’ll be some other product we can buy at Target and use in the privacy of our own bathroom and then viola…pregnant!

Now where’s that coffee?

(The baby book said I could have 12 ounces so back off!)

Airline travel is not my favorite mode of transport. However, there are places I have to go and places I want to see so onto the plane I go. Today I flew and as we took off I distracted myself by reading but then I thought that there is something going on around me that I do not normally see. I put my book down and looked out the window and it was interesting how much more scared I was seeing the tarmac recede. And then we banked so sharply my seat belt did some work keeping me from slinding into the seat next to me. While flying, I like my seat belt to act as a precautionary measure that is never, ever needed. Ditto in a car. Same with health insurance, the tampon I carry in my purse and Gas-X. I have these things but I do not want to have to use them.

We flew over the big empty brown that separates Phoenix from Los Angeles. At one point there were black jagged upcroppings dusted with snow and winding water that looked bluer than it should considering how muted everything around it was. The sun shone the whole time and in the distance white clouds built up but never came any closer. It is a privledge  and a joy to see the earth from high above.

It still scares the ever living hell out of me just thinking about it but I am glad I decided to have a look around. When I close my eyes I can still see the snow on those black crags under that low winter sun.

Merry Christmas

Actually, I am eating most of the cookies but whatever. I got a Kitchenaid mixer for an early Christmas present so I am now an unstoppable cookie making machine. This past Monday I went to my bookclub meeting (women of a certain age are required to join a bookclub. A friend of mine has been successfully dodging bookclub membership for twenty years but they will get her eventually. No one gets out of this life without reading at least one Barbara Kingsolver novel) and we had a cookie exchange. Initially, I felt I hadn’t brought enough cookies but then I realized that I had brought adult cookies and no one’s kids would want them so I was good. I made ginger cookies (in my cookie goddess mixer) and let me tell you, this recipe is not messing around. Small children shrink form them and dogs generally leave them alone. Delicious.

I got the recipe from a cookbook I got out of the library and although I love the cookies I think I am done with new recipes for the coming year. My goal is to try all the recipes I already have. I hope it will be indicative of what I plan to do with other aspects of my life, which is to do and use what I already have. This is leading me to a shopping frenzy that will probably last up until the last day of the year but that is okay. The world is on sale this time of year. I have also decided that I never want to wear, let alone go shopping for, another pair of shorts for the rest of my life. I have no idea what I will wear come summer but that will be a problem for my future self and I’m sure she’ll think of something.

Well, I am off to paint my fingernails. Since junior high I have been trying to figure out how to keep polish on my fingernails for longer than five hours. The friend of mine that has been dodging bookclubs gave me a tip today. If it works I will share it with you. If it doesn’t I will never mention it again. The new year will be all about success!This will be the opposite of that hilarious fail blog I hate to admit I have been chuckling over for the past year.

Okay, to sum up- Planning to use what I have before going to get more, no more shorts for the rest of my natural life and focus on success rather than failure.

I’ll need another cookie before I get started on this.

For reasons only iTunes knows, Glenn Campbell is belting out Rhinestone Cowboy in my kitchen. If you have never heard this song, please allow me explain. It doesn’t suck so much as it’s not very good, sort of like crackers without cheese. Anyway, that isn’t what I came here to tell you about. Yesterday, I made camping reservations for the end of June and I can’t wait. Now, when I say camping I do not mean camping. It’s more like sleeping in a public park next to the ocean. And I love it. I bring waaaaaaay too much stuff, my tent is the size of a doctor’s office waiting room and one time we had a pizza delivered to our campsite. Can you say campground superstars? I can.

Some people don’t like making plans so far in advance but I don’t mind. This time of year, I enjoy thinking about summer. Stretched out on a soft towel in the sand, nothing in my mind but the sound of the waves rustling around, nothing in my view but a golden stretch of sand followed by a wide expanse of sun sparkled sea…heaven! Don’t get me wrong, I love the holiday season but sometimes I need a break. Since it’s freezing cold at the beach, what could be better than reading a sexy little story set under a warm summer sun? That’s why I’m so pleased that Red Sage released my second short story, And Charlie Makes Three, on December 1st. There’s no better time of year to dream about summer than December. Sun, sand and, well, it is Red Sage so go on and add in whatever word you’d like. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Naughty.

Okay, I should give you some useful information here. The story is only available as an ebook. It is part of the Three Kinds of Wicked series. Although you don’t have to read the other stories to understand what is going on in mine, you wouldn’t be wasting your time or money. Those Red Sage ladies sure know what they’re doing. The excerpts are enough to make a girl feel a little flushed. Oh, I should put an excerpt in here. I’ll also provide a link to the Red Sage website.

I think that about covers it. I’ll be back next Wednesday with more. According to people who write successful blogs, I should post regularly. I am tempted to leave in how I mangled the spelling of the word regularly, but since the point of this blog is to convince people that I am a good writer I probably shouldn’t. Anyway, dream of summer and so will I and next Wednesday we’ll talk about…well, if anyone reads this and wants to leave a suggestion that would be really helpful.

P.S. regururllary